(nevermind) Confusion [16 Nov 2009|10:36pm] Sometimes I am so bewildered on whether or not I'm taking the right steps.

(nevermind) All of our efforts [13 Oct 2009|10:14pm] So many of our efforts as individuals go unnoticed. We try so hard sometimes. and why? Because we want to be recognized. There's much prestige in extraordinary efforts. It's an ego problem really. I cant stand the thought of not being recognized by my loved ones. I suppose if i humble myself before my Creator, I might feel better about my life. I don't understand what G-d has planned for me. My heart has been tested and hardened over my young years of life. Whatever this is for, my Lord, I am your servant and have full faith in your judgement. Let me be clay and let you make me into what you wish. Just show me the way Lord.

(nevermind) Amber [19 Sep 2009|10:15pm] In the time I've had to get to know Amber I've fallen for her so deeply. Deeper than I thought was possible after what I had experienced. She's been able to show me that it is possible to find someone that wants nothing else in this world but me. I thought it was just a fairy tale for so long, but now I'm living that fairy tale. I'll post more about this later. But as of now, I'll just say that I'm happy I have you Amber.

(nevermind) Re: Reflection [21 Jun 2009|03:31am] I start with basic contention. Not whether to decide on said feelings, but whether or not to label that which is already known. The blessing of emotion lends itself to foe more often than is safe. The hearts defense is tested through years of siege and arrow barrage, but we dig our moat and bar the gate. Seldom do I feel alone, though, seldom do I feel understood. For who can possibly hope to obtain the key to the problems of one. I fall victim to your smile. First with the tight but soft squint of your eyes. Letting up near the brow line to show the true angelic qualities of you. Those deep chocolate brown eyes. Letting me know that everything I feel is wholly understood by you. The way you raise your hand to your face, afraid to show said smile. (Let me speak plainly as to get this point across. I don't know why I love you the way I do. I don't know why I get into this game. Knit-picking every single detail about why I cant seem to let you go. I've never had closure nor do I believe there will ever be closure for this type of feeling. Either I lose you quietly or I realize that it was never mine to lose. Apathy has left vacancy of my will to move on.) I do not pretend the know the secrets of my heart. Or for that matter, any persons problems. I simply wish to not feel the way I do. It may take years. I may never forget you. I've found one that loves me the way I've always hoped to be loved. I just cant find it in my heart to let her fill this gap you've left. She's shown me that I can love. She's shown all of hers. The bond we have shared over these few months cannot be overstated, but rather I admit that I have understated it. We've given a lot and stepped out of our boundaries to risk love. The amount I owe due to her is not without notice. There is still much ground to be made in forgetting. Forgetting all that was not. Forgetting everything I said. Forgetting everything you did not say. Forgetting all of the dreams and thoughts and promises and hopes lead astray. The moments of shimmering light followed promptly by a cold age of harsh rebuttal. I loved you. You knew I loved you! But it was all for not. The journey that never was. The risk never taken. And the whim never embraced. Do you seriously take no heart in my words? Are you so callous to the touch of passion?

(nevermind) Closed Chapter [08 Mar 2009|04:18am] Done and done. The amount of pain I had to endure was tedious. Never find any reason to continue, but I did none-the-less. But now this Chapter is closed. Once and for all it will only be a memory. No more pain. No more fear. No more regret. And when the book is finished I will close it with optimism. I wont say it was pointless, I did learn some things. I learned that no matter how good you may think something is, the truth will always appear to lean towards the center. Never a fairy tale. Never a tragedy. Just event after event strung together with people and stories. The borders of life are decorated with emotions ranging from unrelenting frustration to unequivocal happiness. Feeling lighter than air, then feeling lower than scum. No matter what, it always seems to end in the center. Having said that, I'll conclude with this. I hold no grudges. I feel no remorse. This chapter will never be revived but it may be spoken of. There are things to be said for the people involved. Dani never did anyone injustice. She has many flaws but she is not alone. No one has the right to judge. Hopefully one day her and God can find peace and love once again. I pray for her soul. The future holds great fortunes. I'll keep my eyes on the road and my head in the game, never forgetting what has brought me to this point thus far. Without failure and mistakes, we can safely assume that our life would not change. But as we all know, life is a labyrinth. This is no straight road we walk. We need guidance of all sorts to make it day by day. God is here to make this all possible. Ryan

(nevermind) Been awhile [17 Jan 2009|11:29pm] Yea so life hasnt changed much. Oh well, thats how it works. You only experience dramatic change during your childhood. Once you reach this stage, its a slow moving kind of change. The change that takes work. I have my goals. But I'm in no hurry. Life will take its course. If i die tomorrow then so be it. But if i die 50 years from now, that means i have all of the time in the world to be happy. I have no doubt ill be a happy man.

(nevermind) Hey now [11 Dec 2008|08:01pm] Status: Sluggish Ambition: 4/10 Dedication: Null Desire: 7/10 Contentment: Existent I feel stagnant. I know that is what it is because it couldnt be anything else. I want to move forward, but only in certain directions. I have yet to see one of those paths open up. So is it stagnant or is it patience. I do not want to walk into a death trap of a career. Thats what i will label it. Sometimes i feel like thats all i need right now is just a shit job to pull me through these first few years of adulthood. maybe i dont need an end goal yet. Maybe thats what being 30 is for. Realizing what i really need. As for right now im aiming for what i feel is most important.

(nevermind) Back [22 Nov 2008|12:33pm] I failed you. I failed all those who decided to invest their hope in me. Those who said what i was doing was inspirational. I failed you. I failed the people who brought me up to be who i was before i left. They all put a little bit of themselves in me, and i went off and failed you. I failed my father. He wanted to see his son make an impact in this world and be a stand up gentlemen. I failed you. I failed my mother. She wanted to see all of her hard work put into action. I failed you. I failed my siblings. They once looked up to me and saw the light from which i drew strength from. The light has lost credibility, because i have failed you. I failed my future children. They will know their father once gave up on a dream. They will know that their father lives by the phrase, "do as i say, not as i do". I failed you. Yes, i failed all of you. But this is not the end, not by a long shot. Life goes on with lessons learned. Never let whats makes you you fade away. Your personality is all you have. It differentiates you from the masses. When you let that spoil, you have no meaning. Your direction is lost and everything you once hoped for has lost all color. The shades are pulled down and you're left in the dark, and you realize all you could have become if you had just stayed true to yourself.

(nevermind) Why I should give up [17 Oct 2008|12:52am] Human nature always takes over. New beginnings? pft. Wish it were that simple. When you fall who will be there? The following words are not always mutual. person A : If i fell you would be there for me. person B : and if i fell you would too. What stops this from being true? In order for it to be true, both must be willing to leave everything behind for that person. Would you leave everything behind for me? I wouldnt. What is my point? Simple. Love is Blind and True Love is Blinding. We say all of these cliches but do we really mean them? If I were going to die would you swap places? If i were on my knees in the dirt begging for you, would you let me in? Even if it meant you would never be the same person again? If it meant we would be together till the day we died, would you leave everyone you knew behind? What is Love? Love is knowledge, the all-knowing kind. When you truly love, you know everything that will come. It will end no other way than to be happily ever after. When relationships fail, you question 'Where is the love?'. Love is not spontaneous, love is inherit. It has always been and will always be there. And when the love finally leaves, you will know that it was never love to begin with. True love is definite. When you recognize love's presence, the edges are blurry. The lines fade out of focus, there are no certainties. Just its overwhelming there-ness. The simple fact that it has been and will always be. Just know one day you will become history. And the stories will tell themselves. They will tell of the days when you were oblivious to your own existence. They will tell of a time when the lines were blurred and all the moments leading up till then were just preparation for that one final love. You felt Invincible. The skies cried out for you but you knew your feet belonged on the ground, right next to the person you searched for all your life. But when you do join the clouds you will not be alone. Because your soul has been intertwined with your savior.

(nevermind) 12 days [15 Oct 2008|09:58pm] All of the atrocities of the world couldnt topple this mountain.

(nevermind) Moving Forward [08 Oct 2008|09:26am] I'm starting to get my physical status up to par. It is not a hard transition for someone in my standing. I've never been "overweight" per say. Just out of shape. But the change has never been hard. The only trouble i find is building my upper body. I was never one for pure strength, just endurance. The life of a computer jockey is not one for me. I've enjoyed my time with it, but it really makes my self-esteem quite fragile. The way i visualize myself has never been disgusting. Sometimes i submit to my feelings and i lose all hope. But i can consistently maintain a certain swagger. I will admit though, i am easily intimidated.

(nevermind) What love feels like [06 Oct 2008|05:02am] I find myself staring at your pictures at night. I want to reach out and feel your skin. Breathe inyour smell and savor it. Close my eyes and just know that when i open them, you will be there. This is not a 'crush'. This is obsession. This is unhealthy infatuation. I want to live in your skin. I want to swim in yourblood and sleep in your lungs, and every time you breathe, I will be there. Is that not what Love is? In its purest of forms. Just an uncontrollable fixation. I want to hurt you, just to hear you squeal. Just to know you can feel me there. I want my presence to be known forever.   I want to hold onto you and feel your radiance. The radiance i have anticipated and witnessed over these tedious years. The radiance a warm bed might give off to a ravaged refugee. The radiance a den might leave for a mother bear. The radiance of an Angel. Oh the lightheartedness I feel when I recieve word from you. Seeing your occassional mispellings. Imagining how your finger might have slipped on that keystroke. Imagining myself there to witness it. Maybe I would have pointed it out, if only I could find myself, had I not been lost in your beauty. The way a painter admires a work of art. Except this is merely a 3rd grade art student, looking into the eyes of The Mona Lisa. While all of this emotion is at work, I also feel immense hate. I hate the way you look at other guys (figurative). I can see that smirk. The grin of a harlot. My harlot. I hate your desire for love. Not my love. The love of someone who cannot possibly appreciate you like I do. Not any other man can hold a candle to my feelings for you. They dont deserve you. No one does. I hate witnessing your losses. The feeling of a lost companion is one you have become familiar with. Personally, I have never left this void within you. Nor will I ever. True love is true. I can't see where you stand. The picture is blurry. Sometimes the screen comes into focus, and you seem to stand just at arms length, waiting to be embraced. Other times the film fades out, and you are standing at the top of a mountain, overlooking all I have to give. Its become a game, that I have become fairly good at. I hear hints in your words. A soft adjective. A hard verb. Love. I Love you Ryan. Need I respond? She knows where i stand. I am sitting on a broken love seat. Watching my favorite television station fade in and out of focus.

(nevermind) Just a simple post [05 Oct 2008|04:51am] I've been a blank slate lately. Nothing worth noting over the past two days. I've realized the transparency of some people. You really think you know them, but it was all a show. People let fear control them. Or maybe its an overbearing situation. They do not want things to be out of there control so they avoid things that might not be risky. People are flawed. Notice your flaws. Acknowledge them. Knowledge is power. Just being aware allows for adjustment.

(nevermind) Why we keep going [03 Oct 2008|02:38am] Faith is the sole component in our lives. We only do what we do because we have faith that it wont go unanswered. A lot of the trials we go through do not have solid reasoning. We never know the exact truth to everything. But do we give up? That's not an option. We take risks. We have faith. If you have faith, you can believe in what you do. Why do I keep going? Faith. I look forward to my inevitable wedding day. I look forward to kissing my newborn child on the forehead. I look forward to mowing my lawn every Sunday morning. I'm anticipating stability. I know that one day my prayers will be answered. With this all being said, I believe it is safe to presume that everything will be just fine. We can stop worrying. Life will play itself out just like it was meant to. If you lose someone in your life, do not fear, for it was meant to be. At that point you can only be thankful for the time you spent with them. But some day you will be lying in your death bed. At this point you can be thankful for everything God has given you. Because it is true. People have loved you. And the ones that have truly loved you will be there on that final day with you. Side by side. Forever and ever.

(nevermind) Finished a book [02 Oct 2008|03:38am] The book was about love. and it did not fail. If there is one thing i can learn from this book, its that not even the most radical of events cant knock love off its balance. True love is true. Not even the uneasiest of trues can be false. Wind always blows towards you, never away. Ive also learned that true love involves immense faith. and that true love can be one dimensional. It does not take two to tango. Love is an eternal faith. A never ending day dream of falsehoods. When you are truly in love, nothing ever happens how you want it to happen. But you always hope for exactly what you want. You do not love because of occurrences. you love because of admiration of self conviction. you love who they ARE, not who they strive to be. In this sense, it is safe to say that true love does not wane. Its always as strong as it will ever be. We cannot live without faith.

(nevermind) [30 Sep 2008|06:57pm] Apprehension disallows the now to be colorful.

(nevermind) Emotion [30 Sep 2008|03:25am] When you read this entry, please proceed as if you were in my position. A lost 19 year old boy on the brink of adulthood. Maybe its too late for that. I might as well be an adult, save for experience. If I must trudge through this emotional twilight annually, why is it condemnable to have the desire to seek unequivocal compensation. Am I so alone? Does this world not bare witness to this atrocity? Why so banishable?  In turn we expect pure and utter compliance. We mention cliches like "time to be a man", which I have no transgressions towards, I only oppose the blind wit by which the prosecutor applies this accusation. Don't mistake me for an anarchist in the moral sense, I only wish for more ordinance among young adults. The process is too irreversible. The practices of the adolescent is denounced by the same people who promote it. Love. For all of its treacheries it had not been more pleasurable to endure. I'm still amongst the fools legion. Naive at best. Ive named names. They know where I stand. A broad assumption. For the love has not been embraced. Its thereness imbues us with eternal hope. An unending dream of linear possibilities. Passion favors the ridiculous. I fear to lose before it is mine to lose. The true measure of a man is the degree to which he has managed to subjugate his ego The embodiment of this post is not expression, more-so release.

(nevermind) sleep [29 Sep 2008|01:20am] i was doing good for awhile. a good month where i slept on a good schedule. slept at night. was up at about 7am. and stood up till about 11pm. but its all really gone down hill. eh. its fun sleeping in when i know all my friends are in school haha. ill savor this for awhile. but ill grow out of it soon.

(nevermind) [24 Sep 2008|08:08pm] fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life

(nevermind) Dwelling [23 Sep 2008|01:43pm] On the negative

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